Keep the faith

The doorbell rings. "Hello, we are Jehovah Witnesses and we would like to talk to you about our beliefs." Despite my workday being interrupted, I am not angry. I pause, pretending to consider their generous offer, and reply, "No thanks, I have my own religion." They look shocked and one of them asks for further information. "My religion is Newcastle United Football Club and my Gods wear black and white; would you like to hear about my beliefs?"

Unfortunately, they disappeared before I could detail our need for a replacement for the saviour of the Toon, Alan Shearer who is retiring at the end of this season, and whom should Graeme Souness purchase during the January transfer window. Not to worry because I am in good company when it comes to the world religion of football.

Hundreds of teams across the world carry the faith and dedication of their worshippers every season. They offer their own versions of heaven and hell over the course of 90-minutes and if you think there are problems between Islam and Christianity, then you have seen nothing compared to derbies, such as Newcastle-Sunderland and Panathinaikos-Olympiacos.

The Church of England has 16,000 buildings, in 13,000 parishes covering the whole of England, as well as 43 cathedrals, averaging a monthly attendance of 1.2 million. The Barclays Premiership has twenty teams and averages a monthly attendance of 670,000, which statistically crushes the official religion of the United Kingdom. In addition, on average every ground is always over half-full, with thirteen grounds only ten percent empty.

When you arrive at a football ground, there is never anybody passing around a collection plate asking for donations to help repair the roof, although alcohol is forbidden and somebody wearing black officiates, so there are some similarities. The words 'God' and 'Jesus Christ' are heard, albeit in a different context to a church, and thousands are in silent prayer as extra time approaches.

You never see kids at the local park wearing a cassock, with their local vicar's name on the back, pretending to recreate Sunday's blessing. Do you see Adidas producing the latest Climacool clerical collars, with anatomically placed ventilation? Are church shops packed full of parishioners wanting to buy bed sheets, pillowcases and wallpaper with the face of J.C. looking out from beneath his thorny crown?

It seems the Jehovah Witnesses escaped my preaching, but I am sure they will be back and then I will tell them about the time I witnessed Newcastle beat Arsenal at Highbury 1-3…now that was a religious experience.