Pardon, darling?

Everyday my wife complains that I don't listen to her, which is strange because I always seem to hear that part. Difficulty in communication is one of the greatest sources for arguments between the genders and is also a multi-million pound industry offering books, counselling and courses for relationships suffering from the 'Men are from Mars' syndrome.

Recently I read that a scientist studied 20 men and 20 women and discovered that men use the left side of the brain - traditionally associated with understanding language - to pick up conversations, while women also used the right side. The research revealed that women may need to use more of their brain to listen to conversations, but it could show women could listen to two conversations at once.

I cannot explain why my hearing switches off when my wife begins to talk, but my concerns were soon laid to rest when I heard my Mum, my brother's fiancée, female relatives and friends all repeating the same complaint about their partners. What drives most of the crazy is the fact that men phase out a one-on-one conversation, but can hear the sports results when the volume is on its lowest setting.

My Grandad now wears a hearing aid and the family are slightly envious because he liberally uses the on/off switch to his advantage. Once Grandma has left the room, he nudges up the volume until he can eavesdrop on the ants, but he slips back into aural darkness upon her return, the cheeky man.

Women not only claim that men don't listen, but believe that when men do hear something they miss the subliminal message being conveyed. In the stage show 'Defending the Caveman' - a comedy about the differences between men and women - there is an example of a conversation between a husband and wife on their way home after visiting some friends:

Wife - Jill and Jack have some real marriage problems. Jill was crying about the love going out of their relationship and believes that divorce may be the only answer. What did Jack have to say?

Husband - Errr, he's got a new drill.

One of those 'Men are from Mars' books explains that when women share a problem between them they usually respond with a problem of their own, thereby creating a sense of 'solidarity'. Unfortunately, men prefer to offer a solution and this comes across as insensitive. When men share a problem between them, they are usually too drunk to remember the advice.

From communication problems to emotionally unavailable in a few short paragraphs, isn't it frightening? I must go now because my wife has been shouting something for the last ten minutes and I can't hear her over the football results.

Thought this was an appropriate addition:

Friday, 21st June 2002

GIRL'S DIARY
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was
surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

BOY'S DIARY
England lost to Brazil 2-1. Got a shag though.