Self-diagnosis

It began innocuously enough. I was drying myself after a particularly invigorating shower and noticed that my left armpit was hurting. I touched it a few times and confirmed that it was more of an aching feeling. Stood in front of the mirror with my left arm in the air, I began to examine the area more carefully, but could not find the source of this strange pain.

Once dressed, I launched my Net browser and, out of absent-minded inquisitiveness, typed in "aching armpit" into a search engine. The first page of search results blew my mind with words, such as 'cysts' and the dreaded C-word. My medical adventure had begun in earnest and it would take me to the dark depths of my imagination before it was over.

Stupidly the morbid side of my curiosity took hold and I delved further into this online medical diagnosis. Each site offered lists of common symptoms and, if my memory was not playing tricks (amnesia was listed on one), I was certain that I'd experienced a couple over the previous weeks.

My mind was spinning with the possibilities and I needed to retreat to the kitchen and calm my nerves. I put the kettle on and began to make myself a strong cup of coffee, before remembering that one of the websites had warned against caffeine beverages. Glass of fresh water in hand I returned to the self-diagnosis.

Page after page of telltale signs to watch out for and one site stated that an increased pulse, especially being able to feel the strong thump of your heart, was dangerous. The stress increased because I was certain that now my pulse had increased and it must be connected with the aching armpit.

Subconsciously my hand was rubbing my stubble and the back of my neck in an attempt to help me comprehend what was happening, and it was happening so fast. Hmm, I hadn't noticed that hard pea-sized nodule on my throat before…what?! Following another five-fingered check it was confirmed that there was something there.

Armed with this new symptom I was able to focus my search and it seemed that there was light cramp, no it was more of a tingling, was developing in my left arm. Panic was taking hold and it felt as though I should be proofreading my epitaph and writing my last will and testament. I heard a key in the front door and my heart sank, what will I tell my innocent wife?

That evening I decided to broach the subject and asked her to check my left armpit for me, "It feels a bit funny," says I. She sighs and angles my hairy pit into the light, "Hmm, it looks red, as though you scratched it. Did you use the rough side of your sponge when you were in the shower?"

Feeling slightly embarrassed, I have vowed to myself never to use another online medical dictionary ever again…although there is a funny mole on my leg...