Baby tales

Have you seen how much infant cosmetics cost? Of course you haven't, they are so hard to find. I am joking…a quick Google search can provide a selection of stores worldwide. As a parent, I am beginning to discover that there is very little you cannot buy for your new child. Most fashion outlets cater to the 0-6 month range and I am sure Ferrari offer a miniature version for their special 'short' clients.

The world of baby is infectious; I try to wait for somebody to ask before boring them rigid with stories about how much Katie laughs when I stick out my tongue. Seriously, she thinks it is the funniest thing in the world and when she smiles her face lights up into the most beautiful…ok, I'll stop.

Thankfully, Katie is a pretty baby and nobody has to disguise that sharp inhale of breath that usually accompanies being presented with an ugly baby. We have strangers comment upon her sweetness and we are asked all the usual questions, "No, seriously! Are you really the father?" For the hundredth time, Mum, yes!

Trips to the doctors have been a revelation. They happily comment that she is gaining the standard 20 grams of body weight a day, to which I reply, "If all my meals were served through a women's nipple, I would be gaining more than that!" They frown and look concerned when Katie is below the Finnish average growth rate, but we have to shout down their stethoscope and remind them that she is only half-Finnish. Anyway, what is average?

Baby books helpfully provide the answer to any baby-related question, such as why a baby's head may become wet when they are feeding - is it leaking milk from its ears or could it be sweat? However, they draw a blank when it comes to telling you how much to dress your baby in 15C and at what angle the baby can sit.

My next issue is with the mobile makers (the baby ones, not Nokia). Do they research the most annoying tone and melody, and then program each one with it? "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I know a song that will get on your nerves…" We have one that plays 'When you wish upon a star' in, what seems, the same note, the baby still doesn't fall asleep and we have the tune in our head for the remainder of the night.

While the tune echoes around your head, you still have to entice your baby into dreamland. Does the baby fall asleep while you are sat down? No. Does the baby fall asleep while you stand up bouncing? No. Does the baby require you to bounce around the house like Tigger on ecstasy? Yes. If she falls asleep and you put her down, does she wake up? Yes. Am I going to get any marital loving tonight? No.

It truly is a joy. Honestly. Cross my heart. Every day of the past two months have been great, whether I have been humming irritating tunes or walking like a Slinky toy, with the man jam levels dangerously high, it has been fantastic. Roll on the next two months…