I Spy U

Umbrellas are an extension of the Englishman's arm; the other arm being used for holding his teacup, of course. Brollies are a quintessentially English item and it is no surprise when it pours down with stereotypes everyday, often disrupting the game of cricket on the local green and ruining the cucumber sandwiches.

The device itself is ingenious. A mobile shelter on a stick that provides protection from both the sun and rain, but they have a side darker than a rain-bearing cloud. They are evil contraptions designed to maximum discomfort, inconvenience and, on occasion, dispense pain.

Brollies have an unfortunate association with bad weather, so when we come to open it we are already feeling 'under the weather' - if you excuse the pun. Putting on a pair of sunglasses fills you with enthusiasm and joy, but the umbrella is a 'wolf in sheep's clothing - if you excuse the cliché!

After it has completed its job of keeping your head and clothes (upper body) dry, you have to attempt to shake off the surface water, which flicks all over the dry upper body, and then you have to find somewhere to store it in the hope of it drying before the next use. Is the material used to construct umbrellas absorbent or carefully designed to cling to water like static to a sock? Some umbrellas do come with a condom-style cover that is used once before it becomes lost or discarded after numerous futile attempts to re-insert the soggy brolly.

Strangely, there is a no win situation when it comes to purchasing an umbrella. The more money you invest in a top-of-the-range rain shield, with all-new wax coating formula, the faster you will lose it, forget it or have it stolen. In 2004, 7,026 umbrellas were handed in to the Transport for London Lost Property Office and that does not include the ones appropriated.

Go cheap and an egg timer could measure the life of your umbrella before it triggers its self-destruct sequence. A slight sneeze and you will find it has flipped inside out, the telescopic handle has bent and the metal prongs have entangled themselves in your hair. I once purchased an umbrella that was so cheap that the label read: Do not get wet.

You may have noticed that the umbrellas that outlast all others are the bullies of the pavement. These either have kebab sticks attached to the outer edge in the hope of skewering an eye or are so large that a football team could happily shelter beneath it, although sadly it was just opened in your face on a football terrace.

Opening a brolly inside is considered bad luck by the superstitious folk and this stems from either insulting the sun god or another theory borrows from upsetting the household guardian spirits, who may think their protection was insufficient. Personally, I can vouch that opening an umbrella inside brings considerable bad luck, especially when it is a patio parasol and you break a family heirloom.

Did you know that other bad luck umbrella superstitions include never giving one as a gift because it is a crap present, never place your umbrella on a table or a bed because it will probably be wet and if a single woman drops her umbrella, she'll never marry, which may explain Mary Poppins. The man who should have the last word about brollies is Mr. Sting, who regularly sings about them in his songs:

"Do I have to tell a story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet"

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic (1981), O My God (1983) & Seven Days (1993)