I Spy A

Age has been quite a regular topic this week and now it has begun keeping me awake at night, like a woman who is ovulating and needs your input immediately…so I have been told. Anyway, later this week my cousin becomes a woman and, aside from the world being in danger, this means that she can legally enjoy alcohol and a host of other illicit pleasures meant only for those aged eighteen and above.

Her 18th birthday has begun to freak me out because she was the first cousin I can remember going to visit in hospital after her birth; I was seven and had just been to see my first film at the cinema - Ghostbusters incidentally. The visit meant very little to me at the time but as Ruth, and the other cousins that swiftly followed, grew up I found myself unable to control the words that used to piss me off as a kid, "My, haven't you grown!" and marvel at the speed they are all growing up.

Perhaps it is because at 25 years old there is very little to significantly mark the progress of time. I don't have any children of my own, my hair isn't turning grey, I am not suffering any aches or pains, I don't have to get up during the night to urinate, and many of my friends don't suffer from any of these either. Therefore the passage of time has been marked by the annual birthdays of my many younger cousins - hell, I couldn't believe my brother was turning 21 until it was too late for me to attend his party.

My parents are going to love this next paragraph, but even they don't look or act their age. Earlier this week my mum was asking if my wife and I are able to attend her 50th birthday celebrations in January next year and once again I can't get to grips with the fact that is was nearly ten years since we surprised her with a party for her 40th. My dad celebrated his big five-zero last year and he continually impresses me with movies shot on his digital camera and edited on his computer: act your age dad!

There are countless quotes about age and many of them say 'age is in the eye of the ID holder', so it is about how old you feel and not what the birth certificate reveals - so long as it doesn't also have an expiry date. Up until the age of 18 we all want to be older and then suddenly if we are asked for ID we are incredibly embarrassed, flattered or offended. The next stage is lying about your age, poking fun at friends who are 'pushing thirty' and mocking individuals who are undergoing their various age crises.

Do you remember back in the murky playground past when age was measured in halves and quarters? If your friend was six and three quarters and you were a mere six and a quarter then that older kid had your respect…and sometimes your lunch money. Age gaps between boyfriends and girlfriends meant something, especially to those 'cradle snatchers' but after 18 it suddenly doesn't really matter - 18 certified movies at the cinema also lose their appeal.

Age is a strange one. My dad's mum has a number of medical complaints while my father-in-law's mother is the same age and doesn't suffer from any ailments. Is age in the mind or in the genes? Either way, I take after my mum's dad and I know that I can look forward to a head of distinguished grey hair and young looks, so I hope my wife doesn't get too jealous in the old people's home.